I said goodbye to my life long best friend today. The mixed emotions of a simple fair well can be somewhat of a downer in my opinion unless it happens to you I suppose. You see he found a girl. This girl that he can’t pooossssibly live with out. This girl he has deeeeeply fallen in love with and wants to marry. All this sounds good and dandy but the problem you may ask? Is that she has convinced him to leave this great state of Texas for Kentucky. Kentucky, a state that is at least 15 hours away. I don’t understand what’s so great about Kentucky. It’s just an ordinary state. There’s also not anything wrong with Kentucky except that, well, I’m not there. You may understand a little of my disappointment.
I knew growing up that someday we would all eventually have to grow up and become adults with job responsibilities and families to start and take care of. But as my friends keep falling left and right with sparkling eyes of love in their expressions. I’m somewhat left behind thinking of all my lifelong friends that haven’t fallen under the love spell. And my numbers are decreasing rapidly. I’m left with the sense of someone being left behind. While its selfish of me really, to complain of my friends finding happiness. I find myself being pressured into the whole love relationship thing. While I have had my fair share of relationships I have somewhat enjoyed my free and independent lifestyle I have recently adopted. Now before your minds go southward and into the gutter when I say free and independent I should clarify I’m not a big fan of the new free and independent, open relationship that most kids my age have made into a trend. My perspective really is of a free spirited woman I have learned to become. As in I check in with no one, I ask no one, seek the permission of no one but myself and of Gods good will. I have traveled more in these past two years, finished books I have long wanted to finish and checked off 1-5 off my bucket list. Made trips that I normally would have never made if I had a significant other. While most of you would find everything ok with that. I must admit I fear that at some point my number of friends will hit rock bottom and then all my partners in crime and mini adventures will be no more. Because let’s face it a road trip driven alone is no fun.. Unless your into that sort of thing. So here is the question. Do I fall into the love spell like everyone else and just blend in or take my chances and fight till the last man or woman is standing?
“Do not be discouraged by the little things that bring worry and discomfort in your life God has a plan for everything that happens and every person that is placed in your life. Find me and love me and I will bring peace into your heart and your situation. Clarity to handle the things that are up ahead. Don’t lose the dream I have placed in your heart let me work in them and you work on you. I have them in my hands and I need you to be strong in me so that I can work thru you.”
Many times we try to handle things on our own. Are convinced that we can fix everything alone. I am completely guilty of this. Many times you will see me stress over a situation that I never had a grip of in the first place. A loved one sick, a friend in need, or family disputes. Many times I have felt helpless and useless because there was no possible way to comfort the pain that my friends and family were going thru. One night I got down on my knees when the weight of the world seemed so heavy to hold and durning this prayer I heard a voice tell me this in prayer. I was never meant to hold these people up. Their troubles were not for me to fix to hold or to solve. They were Gods and I needed to let him work. Who ever heard of an employee tell their boss what to do or how to do their job? Never. So I did. I emptied out my worry box and I let the boss man do his job. I can’t say it’s easy or I have completely learned to let go. But The Lord knows I do it straight from the heart and he couldn’t ask for anything more.
As I sit here in the waiting room of the doctors office I glance at a woman that I no longer recognize. A woman that I have known my entire life and yet I Look upon a stranger.
The woman that I once knew wore bright red finger nail polish and bright red lipstick to match. Not a single hair or accessory was out of place. Her appearance was important to her, the thought of walking out of her house with out a single trace of make up on or wrinkled clothes was simply just unheard of. This same woman now smiles at me with uncertainty of how she got here, where had the time gone, and where her youth went. The lines of the passing of the time emerge from her face not yet mature but signs of them are now present. Her hair is no longer dyed to its original color to prevent visual of her grey hairs. Her lips are no longer red but of a faded pink w signs of cracking from the dryness of her skin. Her nails are no longer red but signs of hard work and of child rearing are now present.
How long ago was it that this same lady dried away my tears after a nasty fall, a broken heart, and thru all the tough times that she has seen me go thru? The time has simply added up and snuck up on me. And we now sit in silence as we wait to hear her name called out to take us to the back.
As my patients get thin and boredom seems to sit in i cant help but lose myself in my childhood memories, of all the times my mother had to raise her voice at us, how many times she showed us how really tough the flip flop really was, and all the while never losing her composure. I look over to her smile and ask her how shes doing, all i seem to get is a smirk and a shake of the head. unspoken gestures i know all to well. But she is still no longer the young woman I remember. Of the woman who refused to be knocked down from anyone or anything. A woman who did not let us see her emotions or her feelings thru hard times. She seemed indestructible almost robot like.
For the first time in my life I notice my mom as a woman, not as my mother, or my friend. But as a simple woman who has fought tough for the life that she has. I see the achieved goals of an ambitious woman, the love and tenderness that us as woman long for and give out selfishness. A woman just like me and for a minute I feel equal and find sympathy in her unsure glances. The heroic figure I looked up to has turned into more than a role model. Of someone who deserves nothing less than respect as an individual and as a person. So I sit with her. Hold her hand in her in mine and kiss her head as I reassure her everything will be just fine just like she has done with me so many times before.