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3:30 Am musings

Have been up sense 3:30 this morning listening to the wind outside my window, to the strange noises that this apartment makes with it’s creaks and leaks and howling winds thru the cracks in the building. It’s not a run down place but it has it’s flaws.
I have tossed and turned, closed my eyes and attempted to fall back into a sleepless coma but my thoughts and restlessness of the night have taken over. Simba, my cat seems to not feel the same way as he continues to snore loudly almost mockingly right beside me. Probably dreaming of mice and how to scratch up my furniture. My solution to this cold and sleepless night? A pot of coffee and an update on my blog and to catch up on some readings of the subscribers that have started following me.

So an update on my recent adventures would have to include my crappy search for a new job, I hate job searching! With a passion, it’s almost like I would rather give blood than go job hunting. For some of you who didn’t know, I have a fear of needles. Just FYI so you can just wrap you’re head around just how much i really loath this. My unfinished career that I have yet to decide on what I even want to get my degree in. My responsibilities of being an adult that I try to forget about, and this new relationship I have somehow managed to become involved in… All this ranting and raving I have been doing on the single life only to find myself falling head over heels ( yes heels because he’s just that tall) for this guy that I have recently met. How ironic. All this and with the holidays fast approaching especially with the end of the year approaching my mind wanders to the possibilities of next year and my little girl squeals let out.

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Running with my pride

I grew up old fashioned, with old traditional morals, with an upbringing of traditional old Mexican ways. My parents while supportive and understanding still expected me to follow these traditions just like they’re parents had raised them. To be a wife, a mother, a respectable woman in her community. While I find all of these things perfectly fine. My heart was headed for another direction. It yearned for something more risky.

Growing up i was never your “normal” child. As my family would say. I Had ambitions to change the world. Goals that a normal Hispanic girl shouldn’t have. To study, to travel, to accomplish things that where only to be done by men. I would spend many afternoon’s in my room fantasizing about all the places i wanted to see, all the people i wanted to meet. The awards, the recognition of numerous achievements i had many times saw myself wining. I buried myself in books with the heroin always being a woman. Wrote out in detail of all the steps i had to take to accomplish all my goals. Worked hard in school, planned my education to a T.

While its 2013 and woman’s right to vote has long gone been accepted, encouraged and practiced. I’m still haunted by today’s society. Now more than ever. You have your teen moms and your match making reality shows. Why don’t they have a show about people being somebody? I’ll watch a college student study their ass off for a final. And heaven forbid your not married by the time your 23 because if you’re not, you will forever be alone. These are the things that I have to work with. While the media loves to tell me that I will forever be alone, because, you know I’m 26 and that’s probably to old to even think about having kids too. I find myself still yearning to find my new adventure. Does it make me selfish to want these crazy dreams? While marriage,and family life is something that I eventually want. I can’t help but run the other way with my pride tucked under my arm, like a football. I fear that if I don’t accomplish everything iv been wanting to do for the past twenty years I will feel like a failure. Some of you will say settling and starting a family is not a failure but just a different form of an achievement and I am fully aware of that. But for someone who spends her free time planning out all her new adventures it’s sometimes difficult to put their feet back on the ground and face reality. Any ideas, comments, advice, encouragement would be greatly appreciated..